Jonny the Recovering Technophiliac

Rog: dunno what im doing this year

Me: word

Rog: but will def see u guys soon

Rog: just been busy

Rog: love u f**kers

Rog: lol

Me: lol, right back at you guey

…never a dull moment, hah!

One month ago my life changed, one month ago I would be staring at death before my very eyes, one month ago my summer came to an abrupt end.  One month ago god took away my mentor, my dad.   And since then, in the span of a month, I’ve gone through moments of extreme emotion, moments of reflection, and finally moments where I feel an influx of feelings:

Extreme emotion – for those first few hours I expressed no emotion.  The situation occurred so fast it felt like I was drugged…”where am i?”…”is this real?”…”no he’s gonna wake up, he’s going to fucking wake up”…even when I got home and started sweeping away pieces of medical equipment, it still felt surreal.  And I wasn’t the only one, my mom and brothers had their extreme “wtf” looks on their faces.  Two days later I started to feel it, I slowly realized the truth and boyyy did it hurt…a lot…~whew~.  I remembered when I arrived at club day with alas, it gave me a chance to let go of my emotions…and everyone at alas opened their hearts…especially this one girl who shall rename nameless.  And it was the perfect moment to let go of my emotional guard.  I mean I know I couldn’t afford to break down in front of mom, she’s torn as is.  Whenever I’m around her to this day, I hold back any emotion that tries to break that “fourth wall”…me losing emotion in front of her would make her worse, she is my top priority, her protection is my mission.  What stabilized me was the vast support from my close friends, and even people from high school who I’ve never heard from in ages.

To this day, I still have my good and bad moments…but my bad moments are not anything extreme…in time, I’ve learned to control my thoughts and actions to suppress anything depressing.

Reflection – My father’s cremation was on my birthday, Sept. 15^th.  That was the day I could stop suffering, and start healing knowing he’s resting in peace and not in limbo in some cold morgue in Booth Memorial Hospital (don’t get me started with them).  In the weeks after the first wake, I thought about a lot…about life, death, the things we take for granted, and the things we value the most.  When it comes to death, it’s inevitable. Our fear of it makes us play safe, blocks out emotion. And the problem with me is that in the past, I did not prepare myself for something like this because I did not expect it to happen.  I always neglected that possibility as a rarity even though it was still a possibility nonetheless.  And if I’ve learned anything from this experience is to assume the worst and hope for the best.  Sure it may sound like a pessimistic way of viewing things, but it helps me anticipate both sided to any potentially sticky situation.  These “reflective” moments were the moments where my mind was restructured to think of life differently…it’s important to consider all sides of a situation, but at the same time should I let pessimism take over? Hell no.  Whatever happens mentally can affect you physically…and a lot of my friends can attest to that.

To this day, I’ve reflected more.  And the results are good.  I go outside more often, sometimes I look up at the sky, I listen to more music (praise the iPod), I talk to friends much more in person than on the phone, I code web pages, design in photoshop, I’ve learned to constructively reflect on things to help me move on with life.

Influx of feelings – for about two weeks, I’ve been asking myself, “self, how do I properly mourn?”.  My dad wouldn’t want me to lie around like a lump doing nothing but at the same time I wanted to respect him.  It was a confusing balancing act…pffbt, as if I had enough things to balance as is.  Anyway, I digress…I remember a few friends from high school took Kevin and I out to an Applebees over by queens village one weekend, and we had a good time.  I haven’t seen some of these people since graduation in the spring of 2000 so it was pretty memorable…but whenever I got happy, I stopped and asked myself “..er…am I supposed to feel happy”.  I asked a few friends about my dilemma and they all responded the same: “your body is vulnerable, it’s seeking overlooked feelings in those hard-to-reach spaces…it’s opening itself to better things”.  Now THAT’S an interesting insight, don’t you think?  It will take a long time for me to mourn, so it’s better that I properly balance out things into their own perspective.

To this day, I mourn my father by living life as he would want me to, while remembering and living his legacy and his dream.  Ah the american dream…everyone has one.  His was to see his sons live a better life in the US and succeed…which is why I’m living my life, which is why I’m finishing my last semester, which is why his American dream is mines as well.  Hey, the way I see it…his life couldn’t be saved, but I will see to it that his dreams turn into reality.

…C’mon jon, time to get up

…dust yourself off

…whats that a bruise?, c’mon put a band-aid and don’t think about it

…tired? Here’s some redbull, give yourself wings

…you got a long road to recovery man, don’t fall on me

…start walking with your head high above the clouds

…let everyone know you’re back